Tonglen: the badass Buddhist practice that forever changed my anxiety
Are you tired of feeling paralyzed by your anxiety? Or of lashing out at people when you’re angry? Or just spiraling deeper into isolation when you’re depressed?
Yeah…me too.
I’ve tried a lot of things like breathing techniques and EFT tapping, which sort of help, but they haven’t really stuck as my go-tos for handling uncomfortable emotions.
But guys. (And ladies). I’ve found my go-to emotional tool for when I’m feeling an intense emotion.
To clarify – by “I found,” I mean “I learned from someone much smarter than me.” You may have heard of her…
Pema Chödrön, anyone?
She’s a badass Buddhist nun (yes that’s “badass” and “Buddhist nun” in the same sentence) that teaches several different techniques to handle an onslaught of uncomfortable emotions. But there was one technique that stood above the rest. At least for me. And in typical weirdo Jord fashion, it’s super counter intuitive.
It’s really simple, though, so don’t worry.
While I can’t really say it will reduce your uncomfortable emotions (it actually enhances them), I can say that I just tried it the other night when I was feeling the most anxious I’ve felt in years and it put me to sleep like a baby. And I woke up thinking, “Huh….I feel…better.”
The technique is called Tonglen. Let me break it down for you.
Tonga-what?? Tonglen. Pronounced Tong-Len…exactly how it’s spelled.
It’s an ancient Buddhist practice that flips reason on its head. As Pema Chödrön says, it uses what seems like poison as medicine.
Instead of resisting our uncomfortable emotions, Tonglen teaches us to awaken our compassion and realize we are more than big enough to hold uncomfortable emotions for as long as we need.
Pema Chödrön describes the practice herself in this article, which I highly recommend reading.
But I’ve found it helpful on my own journey to also hear spiritual teachings from laymen who use plain words. So I’m going to explain Tonglen in my own normal-person words to help you on your journey, too.
How to Practice Tonglen Part 1: Inhaling Pain (the best part) Tonglen starts right off with a counterintuitive instruction: pay full attention to your discomfort (physically and emotionally) and breathe more and more of it in with each inhale.
I know, I know. This sounds like the last thing you want to do when you’re angry or anxious. But this technique actually goes right along with something I’m learning (and have shared in a previous post)–struggle begets struggle.
In other words, we actually make ourselves worse when we resist our uncomfortable emotions. We’re far better off simply letting them pass through us.
I must say, though, fully opening myself to the pain of my intense anxiety with each inbreath totally overwhelmed me at times. A couple times I even thought, “I can’t take this anymore. This is bigger than me. I just can’t…”
But Tonglen taught me the only remedy for the mentality of being too small, is to open myself even wider. Pushing past this part and continuing to welcome more of my anxiety with each inhale is where the real magic happened: I realized just how big I actually am.
It was like I tapped into this infinite space within myself that I didn’t even know was there. In this space I knew I had the capacity to fully receive everything life may throw at me and still have more than enough room to continue loving myself and those around me (a.k.a. to continue being happy).
We all have this infinite space inside us, it just takes practice learning how to tap into it. Tonglen will help get you there.
The only remedy for the mentality of being too small, is to open even wider.CLICK TO TWEET How to Practice Tonglen Part 1.5: Get Curious (still the best part) Once we’ve gotten into the pattern of welcoming our pain with each inbreath, we’re ready for the next step: get curious about the sensations we’re feeling instead of getting wrapped up in them. I do this by thinking one thought, “Huh, so this is what it feels like for somebody to experience this emotion….”
Tonglen then becomes an exploratory practice. Getting curious about every nook and cranny of our discomfort will not only helps us separate from our discomfort (since we are the observer of our discomfort), it will also connect us to the billions of other people who have experienced these same sensations in their body; and indeed, the millions that are feeling them with you right now.
You are not alone in this.
Which brings us right to part 2…
How to Practice Tonglen Part 2: Exhaling Good Wishes (the other best part) While the first part of Tonglen involves breathing in our pain with each inhale, the second part instructs us to breath out good wishes to ourselves and everybody else in the world that is feeling the same way.
This could come in the form of a mantra you think during each outbreath like, “I wish you peace,” or “May you be happy.” Or it could just be “peace” or “happiness”—whatever feels right to you.
If you need help, here’s a general rule of thumb: send out the opposite of what you’re taking in. For instance, if you’re breathing in the world’s anxiety, wish the world peace. If you’re grieving, wish the world joy. If you’re ill, wish the world health.
Tonglen now becomes a flow of breathing in the entire world’s suffering and breathing out good wishes for yourself and the rest of the world.
In this way, Tonglen teaches us to hold space for both the uncomfortable and the soothing. Instead of playing into the mindset that we’re not big enough to fully feel our emotions and therefore must resist them, Tonglen shows us just how infinitely big we already are and activates connection and compassion for the rest of the world.
And it works!
Tonglen shows us just how infinitely big we already are and activates connection and compassion for the rest of the world.CLICK TO TWEET I’m not much of a mediator…does it always have to be a formal practice? No.
At least not for me.
I do what I call, “Tiny Tonglens,” whenever I feel uncomfortable. It doesn’t usually last long, sometimes only 20 seconds before my mind just naturally moves on and the discomfort passes through me.
If you really want Tonglen to work, read this part. The thing about Tonglen is, fully surrendering to your uncomfortable emotions means you surrender to them staying with you for all eternity. So it’s a happy accident when the discomfort goes away.
When we do Tonglen as a quick-fix to get rid of our discomfort, we’re not really surrendering to our discomfort, so it becomes just another attempt at resisting.
The trick to getting Tonglen to “work” is to not try to make it work. Tonglen is about making space to explore and learn from your uncomfortable emotions, to help you tap into the infinite space within you, and to connect you to the rest of the world through compassion. Which, in the end, holds far greater benefit than just “getting rid of” your discomfort.
The purpose of Tonglen is to expand and connect you, not keep you believing you’re small and disconnected.
The purpose of Tonglen is to expand and connect you, not keep you believing you’re small and disconnected.CLICK TO TWEET Go Deeper It’s hard to put this into practice when you’re not feeling particularly emotional, but instead of waiting until you are anxious to take a stab at surrendering to your uncomfortable emotions (because you’ll most likely forget you’re supposed to practice this between now and then!), I challenge you to address something that has been blocking your insides for far too long: your first great sadness.
What is a great sadness? Well, I explain all that and more in the healing guide I wrote called How to Identify and Heal Your First Great Sadness. All you need to know right now is that you have one, and it’s been secretly running your life (not in a good way).
This short ebook will show you how to identify what your specific first great sadness even is, as well as how to heal it.
All you’ve got to do is punch in your email below and I’ll send it right over to your inbox.
